Limiting Beliefs: How to Heal Beliefs that Hurt
Written by
Heidi White
Belief is a powerful thing.
If you believe you’ll make it across the balance beam, you probably will. You’ll stay centered, confident, and calm and you’ll walk across just like your feet are on solid ground. But if you feel like you might not make it—if you’re nervous—it’s much more likely you’ll fall. You’ll head out wavering a little, you’ll look down and worry your foot won’t find the beam, and before you know it you’ll be on the ground.
Henry Ford said it the most succinctly: “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”
The person with a positive belief system (I can do it!) and the one with the negative belief system (there’s no way I’ll be able to do that) may not be different in any observable way. They may come from the same background and have the same IQ, physical strengths, etc., but the difference in their belief systems will lead them in completely different directions, one achieving their dreams while the other becomes dissatisfied with life.
Limiting beliefs take a toll
The negative beliefs that can keep you from achieving your life’s goals are often referred to as “limiting beliefs.” We may experience them as the voices in our head that tell us we’re too stupid, too clumsy, unskilled, or “not enough” in some way. They pipe up when we’re trying to do something new or reaching for a challenging goal. They might sound like our mother or an old high school bully. Or they may bring up images of the times we failed trying to do the same thing a long time ago.
It may seem ridiculous that a thought can have that much control over your life, but you’ve seen it happen. People who believe they aren’t smart enough or talented enough may stay in a soul-sucking career for years. Someone who believes they are unlovable or even despicable may stick around in an abusive relationship or destroy their body with overeating or overdrinking. Limiting beliefs can shorten your life more effectively than years of smoking, if they’re strong enough.
How can thoughts be so powerful?
The reason limiting beliefs are so powerful is that they are built from difficult experiences in our past. Because they often arise from childhood trauma, we may have completely forgotten where they came from. For example, imagine that when you were younger, your mother said something snide about a poem you read in front of one of her friends. That comment made you feel stupid and insecure. You never wanted to feel that again so instead of writing more poetry, you convinced yourself you were too stupid to write good poetry. To this day, you want to write poetry but won’t let yourself do it because the chance of feeling that awful pain isn’t worth it. Imagine if Maya Angelou had allowed trauma to keep her from writing poetry. Think about how much beauty the world would have missed out on!
We all have experiences like this in our lives. We have all suffered some level of trauma. Can you remember a time when a family member or close friend said something that cut you to the quick? Can you feel the anger rise up? What do you believe about yourself as a result of that experience? If that belief is keeping you from fully expressing yourself, it is a limiting belief.
There are some steps you can take to identify and eliminate or reduce the impact of limiting beliefs. They take a little time but are worth the effort if you’re ready to do the work. I’ve written them out below, but keep in mind that while these can be effective for helping you work through limiting beliefs, they may dredge up some painful memories and emotions. Processing painful emotions is important in the healing process but if your emotional burden is the result of severe trauma, you should work with a psychologist to ensure you have proper support along the way.
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Identify your limiting beliefs
The first step to eliminating limiting beliefs is identifying them. Your subconscious is extremely skilled at hiding your limiting beliefs, so you may have to snoop around a bit. You can begin by writing out all of the things you believe about yourself that make you feel bad. Then look at each one and organize them in order of how much they affect your life. For example, if you’ve written “I’m stupid” and “I’m bad at origami,” you’ll probably want to put “I’m stupid” at the top of the list because it is likely wreaking more havoc in your life than your poor paper-folding skills.
One way to prioritize is to write a number next to each belief, which corresponds to the amount of pain, on a scale of one to ten, the belief causes you. You can determine the amount of pain by remembering situations in your life where that belief came up. With the memory, you’ll begin to feel discomfort in your body around that belief. Maybe you feel a gnawing hole in your gut or a fire in your chest. What pain level would you put on that feeling? Write it next to the belief.
Once you have a prioritized list, start in the middle. It’s tempting to start at the top of the list with the toughest belief, but starting in the middle will allow you to work on a more manageable belief and find some success in eliminating it before you move onto bigger issues.
The truth shall set you free
Now it’s time to write about the opposite of that limiting belief. If “I’m stupid” is one of your limiting beliefs, write “I’m smart” on the paper. Or it may not be the opposite. It may simply be a preferred belief, maybe even one you suspect is true but you haven’t let yourself believe. Maybe a voice in your head berates you for being stupid, but another voice isn’t so sure about that. Let the other voice—the opposing, positive belief—come out.
Write out all of the proof that the opposite of your limiting belief is true. If your positive belief is “I’m smart,” write out all the smart things you’ve done. At first you may shrug and want to continue bashing yourself, but you already had your chance to do that. Now it’s time to find proof of your strength. Maybe you start with things that were a little bit smart, or simply not stupid. Find a way in and open up space for yourself to face your strength.
Notice how writing about yourself in this way shifts the feelings in your body. Remember everything you can that proves the opposite of your limiting belief is true. Think about all the things people have said to back up the positive belief. Think of who you are and the things you’ve achieved because the positive belief is true. Dig up every ounce of proof available to you.
Now, put it into action
Now that you’ve found proof that your limiting belief may not be the full story, imagine a goal that your limiting belief has kept you from achieving. Imagine a scenario in which you are reaching that goal. Allow the positive energy you generated by writing about your strengths to fuel your imagination. Now that you know this about yourself, how would you move toward your goal? Really feel into your body as you do this. Let the energy move through you and energize your imagination around achieving this goal. Who would you talk to or work with to get it done? What would you wear and how would you act? Who would help you along the way? What actions would you take?
Once you’ve done the imagining, you can begin trying things in real life. If one thing doesn’t work, try another. Every failure is an opportunity for learning and every success is a step toward your goal. In other words, every single attempt you make is getting you closer to the goal, regardless of how it appears to you in the moment.
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Keep trying!
Changing your mind requires commitment. Don’t let yourself go back to your negative thought process the minute you fail. You will absolutely fail because we all have to in order to learn! You will also succeed. Instead of tracking all your failures and bashing yourself for them, start tracking your successes. The more you look for them, the more you will see them. You have spent a lot of years focusing on your weaknesses, so give yourself time to learn how to see and focus on your successes.
It is a myth that we live in a world of winners and losers. We are all winners. We just need to find our own, unique way toward our goals. What does yours look like?
It’s normal to need help
Keep in mind that this work is not easy and you may find yourself struggling to think positively about yourself after years of seeing yourself in a less positive light. A coach or a counselor can be a good ally as you begin this work by helping you develop a strong set of tools, skills, and resources.
Heidi White | Transformational Coach 